still here

Today is October 17, 2021. 76 days before 2022. And yep, I'm still here. Living. Barely. 

I wanted to tell you, my young self, something. Everything. 

I wanted you to know that at this point, we are still not living the life we both imagined. I bet you are disappointed because I am. 

You see, everything went south. 

You lost your father. You didn't cry. That was the greatest wonder of all. Don't you love your father? Why didn't you cry? Everybody shed a tear. You felt numb. You were sad, grieving. You know you were sad but tears won't come. 

You lost confidence. You became reclusive. Despite being in the company of friends, you felt lonely. You felt more alone. I don't know why or how we became this way. We just did. 

You graduated, yes, but now you are stuck in a job you don't love anymore. A job you can't leave, yet. A job that no longer gave you satisfaction.

You've lost people you thought will be with you for life.

I still haven't figured out what we really wanted.  

If anything, you did some great things along the way.